'Not going out' pointless crossover.

'Not going out' is a comedy show on bbc 1. I used to watch it as I am
a Tim Vine fan, and he used to be in it.

I haven't watched it for a couple of series, since Tim Vine left, but
I had to watch the 'Pointless' crossover episode, being a massive
'Pointless' fan.

It was really funny watching Alexander and Richard playing themselves,
and the Lee and Richard feud was brilliant. And Daisy flirting with
Richard was brilliant, too.

It was really funny, one of the best episode's of the show I've seen.
I may even buy the boxset just for THAT episode alone. I really
enjoyed it.

And my mum and I really wanna go on 'pointless'.

The transgendered cat.

Another post about my time in hell.

There was a guy who lived here. At first he seemed ok, a bit OTT about
cleaning, but ok.

Then he met the cat.

Yes, he became obsessed with a cat. It was a lovely cat, but it had an
owner. And several people feeding it.

It really didn't need any other people feeding it.

This guy would go out EVERY NIGHT in order to get this cat that had a
home (sometimes several times a night) to go and get the cat that had
a home, that wasn't allowed in here because it was against the tenancy
agreement.

He would wrap it in a blanket and take it to his room and drag
(literally) people to sit in his room, looking at a cat.

And then during the day he would deny any knowledge of the cat when
the management told him to keep the cat outside.

One day he decided the cat was pregnant. He took 'her' to the vet to
discover that a) she wasn't pregnant and b) she was a he.

He still didn't listen. He was last seen stealing money and getting
into a taxi, with the cat, and never heard of again.

I have no idea why he decided to kidnap the cat. He obviously liked
cats, but kidnapping one is a bit extreme.

I am going to post about some of the bizzare thing's that go on here.

I've wrote before about some of the insane thing's that have happened here.

And I also mentioned that I was going to write a book about the events
of this place. Well, I've changed my mind.

I don't need to make money from my stay here. I'd quite like to forget
about this place when I do leave, and I have much better idea's for my
best selling future novels lol.

So enjoy all the future bizzare post's I make about the insanity I live in.

Dylan Keogh in 'Casualty'.

I am so glad that Dylan is back in 'Casualty'.

There's about half a dozen character's that I love in the show's
history (Dylan, Zoe, Nick, Ethan, Ruth, Jay, Ash, Lily -ok, 8) but I
think Dylan is the best character in the show's history.

He's arrogant, sarcastic, anti -social, grumpy, impatient. He also
hates patient's.

Yet he's one of the most 3 dimensional character's in the show's
history. He's a divorced man who lives on a boat with his dog. He's a
brilliant character.

I want an Ethan / Dylan friendship (both are socially akward but in
totally different ways, and I love both character's for their social
akwardness) as their scenes together will be really funny.

When I heard Zoe would return with a former doctor, I was either
hoping for Dylan or Nick, so would have been happy for either. I would
have loved a Dylan /Nick scene, too.

I'm a very happy fangirl, and I'd rather watch Dylan, Zoe, Ash and
Ethan over sleazy Cal, alcoholic cured in 3 episode's Rita preaching
to everyone, Lofty and Robin being annoying and Dixie being a bitch.

Off topic; Dixie has turned into a bitch since Jeff died. She had NO
right telling Ash he should have died instead of Jeff. I dislike her
now.

Hopefully Dylan will give her a famous Keogh putdown, and put her in
her place.

How to do a 'cat's eye' with eyeliner.

I love eyeliner. I hate liquid eye liner. I'm useless at applying it.
Give me a kohl eyeliner and I am a happy girl.

I have a friend who loves liquid eyeliner. She has one in every
imaginable colour, I think. In complete contrast to myself, she hates
kohl eyeliners.

One day she decided to email me a list of instruction's on how to get
a perfect 'cat eye' and I decided to share her list with you.

1. Tilt your chin up while looking down.

2. Sketch from the inner corner along the upper lash line.

3. Wing your liner towards the end of your brow. I assume you stop
sketching somewhere along there, otherwise you'd draw up to the brow
line.

4. Check both eyes are even. And tidy up any mistakes.


And that's it. That, according to my friend, Is how you get the
perfect cat eye.

I actually really enjoyed my work.

For the first few week's I really did enjoy working where I am volunteering.

I was learning new thing's and it was something I felt I was good at.

Ha. Now I feel like crying when I even think about going to work.

If you went to a place where EVERYTHING you did was the wrong thing,
wouldn't you not feel like crying?.

I mean, I put a cup on a saucer the wrong way, for god's sake. How can
I do that the wrong way?.

And, the really ironic thing is, the place I'm at is promoting
building confidence in returning to the workplace. I think I got the
reversal of that.

This week is actually ok in term's of shifts, and I may ask to take a
break if my housing thing goes ok tomorrow, as I can use that as an
excuse.

I really do love where I work, but maybe the cafe just isn't for me.
Maybe I need to look into other oppurtunities in the orginasation.

I really do like my voluntary work....

But I was under the impression that voluntary work was meant to boost
your confidence.

It's actually deflating mine.

I have decided that I really don't care anymore. I'm the girl who
makes a cup of tea wrong (apparently) so I'm never going to be able to
win.

So why bother?.

When I do the job then I am feeling confident. But then the nitpicking
start's and it just deflates my confidence.

In the last few day's I've:

Made tea wrong. Apparently I'm putting the cup, saucer, spoon combi
wrong. How I dunno.

I'm wiping tables wrong. Yet I'm doing the EXACT same thing as everyone else.

If I put washing up liquid in the sink, I get wrong for it as the
washing up liquid 'sticks' to the dishes and it overflows the
dishwasher. I also get wrong when I don't use washing up liquid, as
the dishes don't get clean.

The till always go weird for everyone who uses it for discount, only I
get told to 'be more careful'.

If there's dishes in the sink, and I try to serve a customer, I get
told to carry on with the dishes. If I do that, then I get wrong for
not serving the customer.

If there's a queue of customer's (which happens 90 % of the time) and
people leave while you're serving them, you get wrong for not cleaning
the tables. Well, I get wrong.

The really annoying thing is that I am pretty much convinced I won't
be needed there next week. I'm sure, with the way thing's are going,
I'm going to get told when the woman who's sick comes back, I'm going
to be told I'm sacked.

The way thing's are heading I wouldn't be surprised. I'm just not able
to do anything right. Everyone else is doing the same thing, but only
I get told it's wrong.

Maybe this thing just isn't for me.

The song 'Teenage Dirtbag'.

I love the song 'Teenage Dirtbag' by Wheatus. It was released around
the time I really starting getting into music, and not just listening
to boy bands.

There is something with the song that I connected with straight away.
It's quite a quirky song by a quirky band, and I liked that. I could
also understand the 'outcast' feeling that the narrator in the song
seem's to have.

I just found out yesterday that one direction did a cover of the song.
I have never heard the cover, and I will be very happy if I never do
the cover.

'Teenage dirtbag' is one of my favourite song's ever. I can listen to
it over and over and I will never get tired of listening to it.

I got prescribed prozac today.

I apologize to anyone who has a problem with a depressed person joking
about her illness, but that's what I am going to do here.

I know a few people with mental illness don't like jokes being made
about mental illness, and I agree to a certain degree, but my way to
cope is to joke about it.

There was a gallery of painting's displayed in the cafe I work in now
(another thing to post about) and they were painting's by a group who
have mental health issue's and disabilities. And one painting had the
word's "Were all mad in here" written on it, and people complained.

I don't want to get into a debate about that now, I just do understand
some people are uncomfortable about that.

But I do call myself crazy and I will joke about thing's in my life.
I've done enough crying and want to now embrace life.

Back to the reason of my post. I am now being prescribed prozac and
have a social worker.

I feel I can now say "I am ill" now. I feel I needed proof I was ill
for some people, and I now have it.

I have my prozac. I'm going to leave it a day or two before I start
taking them. I want to see if it was just stress making me feel
emotional the last few days, or if it was my depression.

I also want to note and experience how I feel pill free. I'm not the
kinda girl who's just gonna pop a pill and think 'that's it, I'm
cured'. I wanna know I am getting better and I have worked damn hard
to get here, and prozac or not, I will continue to work hard to get
better and I will not rely on a pill to cure me.

The prozac is a tool to my long term solution, not my solution. I
think I just need the prozac to get better enough to be able to move
on to being well.

Some film's I want to see.

Thought I would write a post about some film's I'd like to see.

1. MARGIN CALL

A film about stock trading. I like a lot of actor's in the film.

2. KITTY FOYLE

A Ginger Rodger's film about a woman forced to make choices. I love
classic Hollywood, and I'm a Ginger fan, so I'd like to see it.

3. LARS AND THE REAL GIRL.

A quirky indie movie about a man who believes he is having a
relationship with a doll.

4. LAST NIGHT

The end of the world is coming, and a group of people decide how to spend it.

5. JUNO

A bit out of date, but I wanna see this movie about a pregnant teen
who want's a better life for her baby.

YOU, AGAIN

A woman finds out her brother is marrying her high school bully.

EASY A

A teen realizes rumour's get out of hand easilly.

That's all I can think of at the moment. I will post again when I
think of some more.

My new empowerment course.

I've done 3 empowerment courses this year (4 with the one I am
currently doing) and I have learnt a lot from them.

Two done by a lady called Julie are amazing. She's a fun and bubbly
person and she's used the techniques herself, so she know's what she's
talking about.

Then I did a 3 week course with a woman called Sandra, who is my
facebook friend now. Her course is very similar to Julie's two
courses, but very good. It's like CBT in a beginner's format.

I found doing Julie's two courses first helped, as you start thinking
that you can be a more confident person, and then Sandra's course
tell's you how to tell your mind to stop putting you down and change
the way you think.

I don't know if that makes sense.

What I'm trying to say is that you have to BELIEVE you can change in
order to start to change.

Having the seed's sewn that I could start to love and accept myself,
and everything that happened, made me able to start to change.

And I have made a really good journey, which I will discuss on another
post later.

The new course I am doing is the first course I've attended run by a
man (Doug. I know him through my employment course and through my
volunteering) and it's kind of like the last piece of a jigsaw.

Doug's course is filling in the bits that weren't covered entirely in
Sandra or Julie's courses, and it's probably the last empowerment
course I will attend for a while, as I've done them all.

Famous last words. I'll probably sign up for another one next week lol.

But it's interesting as well that I'm seeing thing's from a man's
point of view, as the other empowerment courses were run by women, and
I am attending out of curiosity to see what is different from the
women, in the way of what matter's confidence wise.

I'm waffling, I know. I just think that it's interesting to see how
men and women see confidence as different thing's. The man's main
point of view is to have a healthy body, and to exercise, where as the
women's main point's of view were to take time for yourself.


My new empowerment course is great. I'm learning new stuff, and
refreshing old stuff, and I'm enjoying it.

I know I waffled about nothing, and probably made no sense, and I
apologize for that.

I'd love to run an empowerment group. It must be satisfying to give
people the tool's to have a better life. I'd love it.

And, after all, I've attended plenty. I've done lots of research.

A happier post. Let Loose.

I'm not sure how many of you lovely people will remember the 90's band, Let Loose.

I was a huge fan. I think 'Crazy for you' is a classic tune if you grew up in the '90's. It's a brilliant pop song.

"I'm crazy, crazy for you /and there's nothing that I won't do".

I also loved their debut album. I remember having it on cassette tape, and I think that I actually wore out the tape playing it that much.

Anyhow, why am I waffling on about a band I liked when I was 14?. Before I answer, I just remembered that one of the guy's (I think it was Rob) used to be on a daytime quiz show called 'Waffle' quite a bit. I used to watch it when I was off school. I just randomly remembered that.

Right, back to why I'm posting about Let Loose. It was my birthday recently, and my mum bought me the cd of the debut album. It was a brilliant present. It was a reminder of what I liked and who I used to be.

Note to self: It doesn't work with Boyzone. I loved Boyzone growing up and now I can't stand Ronan Keating's voice. I have to switch off when I hear him start to sing. It's weird. I only tolerate Boyzone song's I really love now.

Back, again, to Let Loose. Even playing the cd again brings back happy memories of the girl I used to be. The girl I'd love to be again.

It may be a cd of a band who had 5 minutes of fame 20 years again, but for me, it's a step back to getting the old me back again.

Oh, and I was 13 not 14 when the album first came out. In 1994. I still remember playing 'the best in me' and my Grandma, who really didn't like modern stuff, liking it. Being a grown up, and listening to the lyric's now, I don't think she'd like it quite as much now.

It's strange what music can do. And, to quote ABBA 'Thank you for the music'. It's something I couldn't live without.

I alway's suffered from anxiety.

I don't remember the day my anxiety started, but I do remember the first time I felt so scared that something bad was going to happen.

I was on a school trip. Camping (which I hate), or the closest thing to camping I will ever experience, and there was no phones up there in the place I was.

This was the time before internet and mobiles (yes, I am that old).

I remember being so afraid that someone I loved would die and I wouldn't know as I would be so far away. I just cried and cried. It got so bad, my head teacher was going to send me home.

And, typically me, I enjoyed myself the night before we were about to come home. If they put the disco on when I arrived, and not when I was about to leave, I think it would have made all the difference.

In all fairness, though, I do remember being anxious about everything as a kid. I'd wake up in the middle of the night to check the house wasn't on fire or no one was breaking in.

I couldn't sleep until I'd check. It sound's ridicolous, but that's how my mind works.

And I thought it was all a recent thing, but it's not. I've always been anxious, and I don't know why.

I don't know why I've picked up this doom and gloom attitude from. I remember even a couple of years ago, I'd have a 'routine' and if I didn't do that, I'd cry uncontrollably.

I sound like a mad woman. I don't know why I'm remembering all this now, but I am. I think my EFT is a little to blame for unearthing all these memories. I mean that in a good way.

I think in order to really be cured, I think I may have to discover what happened when I was a kid. I know it's one of two things, and neither of them are things that are good.

I think it's time I talked about them both, though, to my therapist. See if she can help me put it to bed once and for all.

So, where am I in life?.

Well, I am still living in the hostel. It's been a weird year, and I'd
be quite happy to never have a year like the last one ever again. My
housing is still quite depressing, so I will just glide over it and
move onto a happier subject.

I have done a lot of personal development courses this year. I'm onto
my 4th course this year. I'm learning to have a better life.

I'm also doing volunteer work in a community cafe, for a mental health
charity. It's something that I love doing, and It's brilliant. Really
the high point in my life.

And it was my birthday recently, and my brilliant boyfriend bought me
a beautiful necklace. A purple heart one. It's lovely.

There are a few positives in my life at the moment.

Time to re-start this blog again.

I've been absent from this blog for a long time. During the period of
my life that has, without a doubt, been the worst point of my life, I
didn't 'connect' with what I wrote on here.

I was reading back post's and it felt like someone else had posted
them. This was my feeling's and my life, and I felt like a stranger
had written them.

I did start another blog, mainly because I needed somewhere to put all
my feeling's and emotion's into.

Well, last night I decided to read back on my blog and it was happily
connecting to me. All of the crap I've gone through in the last year
has made me such a wiser, stronger person. I started this blog so I
could chart my progress into being someone who is making changes
towards a better life.

And my other blog didn't have stories and poem's on it, like this one does.

That blog wasn't personal. This one is.

Writing this post is like talking to an old friend. I have so much to
tell you, and so much to share.

It's a cliche but it's true. I had to take a step backwards in order
to re-discover who I was.

And I'm back. This is me. The crazy woman who talks Monkees and Person
of interest and shares random quotes.

And it's good to be back. I missed me. And this little blog is a part
of who I am.