Me to you bears.

I have a few 'Me to you' bears. I have quite a little collection. I also have stationary and other bits and pieces with Tatty Teddy on.

I just love the bear. He's so adorable. And the story that goes along side the bear makes me sad.

My bears vary in size, from very small, to quite big, and all of them have names (yes, i am that sad lol). My very big one is called Biscuit and my smallest one is called Jelly.

I know a lot of people see their collections, but i could never sell mine.

Pointless or The chase?.

Yes, i am talking about tea time game show's, and something that seems to have people divided.

Do you watch Pointless or do you watch The Chase?.

I love Alexander's and Richard's 'waffle' on pointless, and it's fun, but i have to admit, our house we watch The Chase. Don't like the changes they made to Pointless.

I feel that i actually learn something when i watch The Chase, and i am fond of the chaser's (Love Anne, and Mark especially) and i don't feel like i wasted an hour of my life.

CSI.

I just don't think it's been the same since Grissom left. I still watch it, and like it, but i miss Grissom.

I really do like the 'new guy' D.B. I think Ted Danson has added some humour to the show, and his character comes across as likeable, if somewhat quirky (which i like).

I didn't like DR. Ray, though. I just his character was lacking something, and i didn't 'feel' anything for the character. I even stopped watching for a while.

I do love all the characters on the show now. Especially Henry.

Looking forward to 'Person of Interest' returning.

I am watching 'Person of Interest' season 1 on channel 5, and it has been taken off for a 'Mid season break'.

It took me a while to get into the show, but i really enjoy it. It's about 2 men who try to stop violent crimes. It's more complicated than that, though.

I love 'Body of proof' that is on during it's break, so that's not too bad. But reading spoilers for P.O.I season 2, it sounds really good, so really looking forward to watching it.

I wish i could walk in heel's.

I love high heel's. They are so pretty, and they are so feminine.
There's just one tiny thing i don't like about them.

I can't walk in them.

I used to be able to, but i think my feet has developed some kinda
dislike to them, and now i can only shuffle about 3 steps before they
start killing my feet, and i start wobbling.

Maybe one day, i may be find a way to wear the pretty shoes i like so much.

'Love Story'.

I love this film. It's not the usual 'happy ever after' ending, as we
know at the start Jennifer dies. We just have no idea how she dies.

It's a film about young love, and how it's a struggle to marry young,
with both Jenny and Oliver having to make sacrifices in order to be
together.

Yes, it's cheesy and girlie, but it's an ideal choice for a girlie
night in. There is a sequel, called 'Oliver's story', but i have never
seen it.

If you like tear jerker's, then you really need to see this film.

My memories of my dad.

I haven't seen my father since i was about 9. Not my choice. I was always angry at him for just abandoning his daughter, but now, i realize that he had his reason's (he was an alcoholic) and i am better off without him in my life.

I don't know him, and i can't be angry at someone who i don't know.

I don't have many memories of him. I remember his flat, and the hideous green that his front door was painted. I also remember the horse and carriage statue that was on his kitchen window ledge. I always liked that. I also remember that every Wednesday, he would collect me from school, and i would either go to his for my tea, or he would take me to the community centre near his place, and take me to the dance class.

Yes, the only memory i have of my father is that he taught me some basic steps of dancing.

When i think back to then, i do wonder why he just turned his back on me. He never sent me a birthday card, or christmas card, even though he knew where i lived. And that got me angry. Why didn't he love me like all my friends dad's loved them?. What was wrong with me?.

Now i realize that it was never me. I didn't drive him away. I now know that he was an alcoholic, and a gambling addict. I know he spent more time in the pub and the bookies than he did with my mum when she lived with him. I know that if i was a horse, he would have taken more interest in me.

 I also know that he hit my mum more than once. I also know that i am better off without him in my life. My friend had an abusive dad. I know what it did to her, and i realize that could have so easilly have been me, afraid. Instead i had a nice (if slightly quirky) childhood, and i was mostly raised by my grandma, who i adored, and i still miss 16 years after she died.

If anyone asks me about my dad, i tell them that he's dead. I know that sounds really bad, but to me, he may as well be dead. I haven't seen, or heard from him in 20 odd years. And he may be dead for all i know. I have thought about tracking down his family, but then i think that they all knew where, and how, to find me, so i know they don't really care, and it's not worth dragging up the past when there's not much to gain, and i am probably gonna end up feeling rejected and hurt (and angry) all over again. It's not worth it. I refuse to let a stranger make me feel worthless and unloveable. And, as sad as it seems, that's all my father is to me. A stranger.

My 30th birthday.

It's almost my birthday, and i will be 31. Even though i get told i
don't look it.

I will never forget my 30th birthday. Why?. I had to call the mental
health team and actually admit to them i felt depressed. My doctor
gave me the number, and told me to 'talk to someone'.

Anyway, a year later and i do feel so much better. More positive and i
worry much less. I feel life is good. And i know what to do if i ever
feel i am reaching rock bottom again.

Maybe i watch too many show's.

I have just made a list of all the tv box sets i want, and there's a lot.

Maybe more than i can possibly watch.

I think i am gonna have to narrow down the list to show's i love, that
i can watch over and over, and into show's i like, that maybe i picked
up half way through, and pick my favourite season of that show. And
maybe dismiss the rest.

Other wise i am gonna spend my entire life watching tv.

I'm really cold today.

Maybe it's because our heating is broken (again), but i am freezing today.

It said on the weather forecast that it's mild today, and it has to
get colder at the weekend, so hopefully our heating will be fixed by
then.

I do take after my grandma, though. She would be sitting with the
heating on in the middle of summer lol.

A political post.

As much as i dislike the Tories and the Lib dem's, i would rather people vote for them than the parties who promote hate and racism.

My friend is married to a muslim, and she get's comments and dirty look's from small minded people. Her husband works as a translator, and is a lovely guy, who adores her and their little boy.

I know some muslim's are bad people. But there's some bad british christian people around, too.

Please don't vote for a party that just promotes hate.

Monk. My favourite show ever.

If you are not familiar with the tv show 'Monk', then let me tell you that you are missing out on a truly unique experience.

Adrian Monk is a SFPD detective, who lost his wife prior to the start of the series. Due to her death, he suffered a breakdown, and was suspended from the police department. Adrian suffers from a lot of phobias (heights, enclosed spaces, germs, milk) and has ocd. He also has the ability to solve crimes, due to his ability to see things that other people miss, due to his photographic memory. The only crime he can't solve is who murdered his beloved wife, Trudy.

The show is much more than just your average 'crime of the week' show. For a start, the crimes (often murders), are all unique. We have men in coma's suspected of murder. We have chimps accused of murder. And every detail is important. Every thing mentioned in the episode has some meaning. Sometimes you know who did it, sometimes you don't. The great thing is wondering how Adrian will solve the case when there's always some barrier in the way (such as he loses his memory, or is blinded, or takes medication that makes him have a personality transplant).

There's a lot of humour in the show. Sometimes it's just plaim silly humour (such as Captain Stottlemeyer 'interviewing' a chimp, and trying to get the chimp to shoot him in 'MR.Monk and the panic room') There's also Randy Disher's 'unique' (and sometimes bizzare) theories on who the killer is, and why the victim was killed. Also, Adrian's phobia's and ocd are often dealt with in a humerous way.

This show is also a drama about a man dealing with the loss of his wife, and trying to rebuild his life, even though he can't move on because he never knew why Trudy died, and who killed her.(He does find out in the final episode). The thing i adore about the show is the fact that one moment, you are crying with laughter, and the next second you can be crying with sadness. It's not afraid to put emotion into the show, and the characters are like a family to each other. They care about each other, and thats another thing i really love about the show. Also, a lot of show's put the main character as somebody who everyone will love, and that's not the case with Adrian. He can be selfish and annoying at times. But that also makes him human. He is written and acted like a real person, and not just a tv character.

I have seen every episode about a dozen times, and i still watch them. I always find something new to laugh at, and something new to cry at. Monk is the show that i watch when i need a 'pick me up'. That is why it's my favourite show. I love every episode. I love all the characters (even the re-occuring one's, like Kevin), i never fail to laugh at the jokes and the one liner's, and i always find something new everytime i watch it.

If you love shows like The Mentalist, or Columbo, i would recommend you check out 'Monk'. You never know, you may grow to love it as much as i do.

Burn notice.

If you haven't seen 'Burn notice', it's about an ex -spy, who uses his spy skill's to help people who need help.

I only started watching it because Bruce Campbell was in it, and it's turned into one of my favourite show's.

I love the complex relationship between Michael and Fiona. And Sam, Madelaine and Jesse are great characters too.

The show has everything: action, great one liner's and you actually learn some pretty cool stuff.

What sunglasses suit you best?.

I didn't realize until recently that there were rules to buying sunglasses.

I always used to just buy them, not really paying attention to my face shape, and which style suited me best.

So, if you're like me, and completly clueless about sunglasses, then let me share what i have found.

Oval shape face: You can get away with anything.

Heart shape: Aviators are best for you.

Round shape: Rectangular and square frames.

Square shape: Rounded or curved glasses.

I hope that helped you.

Music makes me happy.

I love listening to music (mine, not other people's), no matter what mood i am in.

I love song's that have meaningful lyric's, song's that i can relate to, no matter how i feel. Song's that i can sing along to when i am happy, and cry along to when i'm sad.

I love song's that inspire me and that makes me question what the song is about.

I have quite a mixed music collection, but one thing all of the cd's /song's have in common is that they all have some kind of meaning to me.

Youth unemployment.

I keep hearing about youth unemployment, and how the government are gonna throw money at the problem.

That's good, but older people need job's too.

I mean, People in their 30's and 40's have responsabilities too. It's bad enough being umemployed, you really don't need the fact that any money going into creating jobs is actually gonna be going into creating jobs for young people.

Well, hello MR. Prime minister, people over 25 need jobs too. How about creating JOBS FOR EVERYONE?  

Tip's for good mental health.

I found a bookmark my first therapist gave me, with some tip's about how to stay stress -free. Thought i'd share a few of them.

1. Talk to someone about your feelings.
2. Keep in touch with loved one's.
3. Do something you enjoy.
4. Don't drink too much alcohol.
5. Don't be afraid to ask for help when you need it.
6. Take a break. Take time out to relax and re-charge.

These tips have worked for me, and doing little things like this really do make all the difference

Ever feel the wall's are closing in?.

I feel claustrophobic in my house. The next door neighbours on one side are really noisy (there's always at least a dozen people there at one time) and now the new people are moving in on the other side.

The wall's are paper thin, and you can hear EVERYTHING through the wall's. Have to admit i still feel anxious about going to the toilet.

I feel i have no 'personal space', and need to find somewhere that isn't so 'close' to everyone else.

How to do 'The positive list'.

This is a bit of advice a friend gave me. It focuses on your good point's.

On a sheet of paper, write down everything you like about yourself. There should be at least ten thing's on your list.

Stick the list on your mirror (or bedroom door, or anywhere it can be seen by you) and anytime you feel down about yourself, you look at the list and realize how amazing a person you are.  

You HAVE TO love yourself.

I know that it sounds cheesy and corny, but it's true. You have to love yourself. If you don't then how is anyone else meant to?.

I know it's easier said than done, but ask yourself this "would you let someone say nasty things about your best friend?". Chances are you wouldn't, so why do you let you put yourself down?.

I am the queen of seeing all the bad things about myself. It all started in high school when my friends (then) boyfriend called me ugly. I still remember his exact words. They were arguing about where to go on a date, my friend asked me where i thought they should go and he said 'why are you asking her for?. She is so ugly, she will never even have a boyfriend,because she is so ugly'. He wasn't exactly in the Brad Pitt stakes himself, but at the time i had 'man issues' (all started with my father abandoning me), so i thought it was impossible for a man to ever love me.

For years, i believed that i was ugly, In fact, i thought i was repulsive. I wouldn't even look at myself in a mirror. I had confidence building classes and that helped. I then decided that it was time that i started to date. That was a mistake.

My first 'boyfriend' admitted that he didn't like me, and his mother made him go out with me (that is a great confidence boost). My first real boyfriend only went out with me for a bet (and also managed to cheat on me countless times, and we were only together a month). I kind dated someone else, but all he talked about was his ex girlfriend, and how he wanted to take things slow as he wasn't ready for anything serious (he did manage to get a girl i know pregnant, during this time he didn't want to be with anyone). And then there was the guy who kept asking me out and then when i said yes would ignore me for months on end.

All of this really dented my confidence. My self esteem got so bad i ended up not liking myself again. I got desperate for anyone to go out with me, i ended up with a total loser (who took me to a kids playground everytime we went out, and ended up being done for gbh on a 14 year old). I decided i needed time for me, and decided not to date.

I worked out the reason men were treating me like crap was because i let them. I decided i needed to learn to love myself before i even thought about dating.

Fast forward until now, and through lots of hard work (and therapy) i am happy with myself. I am not perfect, but nobody is. I love myself (i still have the odd body hang up, but who doesn't?. I also have an amazing boyfriend, who i love loads, and he loves me. He really does take care of me, and i never thought that i would ever feel loved like that.

This has been hard to write, but it's worth it. I know i have acheived a lot, and i won't ever let myself be my own worst enemy ever again.

I want to buy an evening dress.

I have no need for an evening dress. I don't have the kind of lifestyle that requires an evening dress. But i want one.

I was looking at some earlier and i would love to wear a really pretty dress. I would love to have one in my wardrobe, and if ever the day came when i needed a ballgown, it would be there. In my wardrobe.

Or maybe i could start a new fashion trend. Shopping in ballgown's. No, i don't think it will catch on either.

Never mind. A girl can dream about owning a nice evening dress.

CSI:NY Mac and Stella.

I wonder why the writers never got Mac and Stella together. They had such a great bond, and just 'got' each other so much. I think they would have been a great couple.

They got Danny and Lyndsey together, and i know that wasn't a popular move, but i think Mac and Stella could have been more popular.

Sadly, Stella is no longer in the show anymore, and they have paired Mac up with some woman he knew before he met Claire, so it probably will never happen now.

Facebook or Twitter?.

I used to be a bit of a Facebook addict, but i have to admit, i'm not really on it anymore. Just to check message's and status updates, but i rarely post.

Twitter, on the other hand, i am addicted to. I update several times a day. I think Twitter is good for reflecting and when you just need to vent. Facebook is a bit too interactive sometimes.

I am gonna make more of an effort to update facebook. But probably won't use it as much as i use twitter.

My body insecurity.

I am very self concious about my body. Well, one part of my body, especially.
 
I am not stick thin. I never have been, and i never will be. It's just genetic's in my family. No woman in my family has ever been stick thin, so there is no possibility that i am gonna be a size zero. And i am good with that. I quite like having curves, and i have learnt to embrace my body.
 
I am quite insecure about my breasts, though. I never feel that they are large enough. I worry that they are shrinking (they are not, i was just having a paranoid moment when i tried a bra on and realized that the cup was too big. It was later discovered that the reason the bra was in the drawer, unwrapped, was because it was a cup size too big. I did worry at the time that they were dissapearing). I wanna tone up a little bit (not lose weight, just make myself a little bit more toned) and i worry that i am gonna lose my breasts when i do that.
 
I think about having implant's, but the thought of surgery scares me, and i don't really wanna have anything in my body that shouldn't be there (does that make sense?). I think it's good to have implant's if they will make you feel more confident and happier, but i am a person who spent most of my life being paranoid about the way i look, so if i did get implants, then i would just grow paranoid about something else. It's the way that i am programmed.
 
I just am gonna learn to embrace my breasts the size they are, and if they do shrink when i tone up, well, i like push up bra's, i wear them now (i like the shape they give under vest tops, which i wear a lot of) and i will just have to find some way to cope. And find some way to accept them, and love the shape (and size) i am.

Build a bear workshop.

Yes, i am in my 30's and i admit it. I have been to Build a bear workshop a couple of times. And i actually (shock horror!) like it.

I love bears and soft toys. It all started when i was a baby, and my grandma stood in the long queue in Fenwick to get me a little baby elephant (called Nellie, which i still have today) and then, during the years, i got  more soft toys, and a collection grew. Also, my mum still has her bear's from when she was a child (getting old, but still very much loved), so i guess i just learnt that in my family, bears and soft toys aren't just toys, but something that can be loved your entire life.

Anyway, back to Build a bear, my mum always stopped to look at the cheerful monkey toy everytime she passed the shop. She then decided she was going to buy it, but sent me to get it. When i was in getting her the monkey (now called Bossy, after the dog in 'Neighbours'-don't ask why she did that) i decided i wanted the Bearemy bear, so i got him a week later. Bearemy is now a little girl bear called Toffee.

And yesterday, i got the sweet velvet bear. Her name is still Velvet, but i haven't decided if i am keeping her name (even though i got her a birth certificate with Velvet printed on) and i got her a pair of purple butterfly pj's as well.

That's another thing i like about the Build a bear workshop. Dressing up the bears. I don't have pets, or children, so my bears and animals are my 'babies' and it add's to the fun to buy little clothes for them, and to give them personality and make them truly original.