My memories of my dad.

I haven't seen my father since i was about 9. Not my choice. I was always angry at him for just abandoning his daughter, but now, i realize that he had his reason's (he was an alcoholic) and i am better off without him in my life.

I don't know him, and i can't be angry at someone who i don't know.

I don't have many memories of him. I remember his flat, and the hideous green that his front door was painted. I also remember the horse and carriage statue that was on his kitchen window ledge. I always liked that. I also remember that every Wednesday, he would collect me from school, and i would either go to his for my tea, or he would take me to the community centre near his place, and take me to the dance class.

Yes, the only memory i have of my father is that he taught me some basic steps of dancing.

When i think back to then, i do wonder why he just turned his back on me. He never sent me a birthday card, or christmas card, even though he knew where i lived. And that got me angry. Why didn't he love me like all my friends dad's loved them?. What was wrong with me?.

Now i realize that it was never me. I didn't drive him away. I now know that he was an alcoholic, and a gambling addict. I know he spent more time in the pub and the bookies than he did with my mum when she lived with him. I know that if i was a horse, he would have taken more interest in me.

 I also know that he hit my mum more than once. I also know that i am better off without him in my life. My friend had an abusive dad. I know what it did to her, and i realize that could have so easilly have been me, afraid. Instead i had a nice (if slightly quirky) childhood, and i was mostly raised by my grandma, who i adored, and i still miss 16 years after she died.

If anyone asks me about my dad, i tell them that he's dead. I know that sounds really bad, but to me, he may as well be dead. I haven't seen, or heard from him in 20 odd years. And he may be dead for all i know. I have thought about tracking down his family, but then i think that they all knew where, and how, to find me, so i know they don't really care, and it's not worth dragging up the past when there's not much to gain, and i am probably gonna end up feeling rejected and hurt (and angry) all over again. It's not worth it. I refuse to let a stranger make me feel worthless and unloveable. And, as sad as it seems, that's all my father is to me. A stranger.