I alway's suffered from anxiety.

I don't remember the day my anxiety started, but I do remember the first time I felt so scared that something bad was going to happen.

I was on a school trip. Camping (which I hate), or the closest thing to camping I will ever experience, and there was no phones up there in the place I was.

This was the time before internet and mobiles (yes, I am that old).

I remember being so afraid that someone I loved would die and I wouldn't know as I would be so far away. I just cried and cried. It got so bad, my head teacher was going to send me home.

And, typically me, I enjoyed myself the night before we were about to come home. If they put the disco on when I arrived, and not when I was about to leave, I think it would have made all the difference.

In all fairness, though, I do remember being anxious about everything as a kid. I'd wake up in the middle of the night to check the house wasn't on fire or no one was breaking in.

I couldn't sleep until I'd check. It sound's ridicolous, but that's how my mind works.

And I thought it was all a recent thing, but it's not. I've always been anxious, and I don't know why.

I don't know why I've picked up this doom and gloom attitude from. I remember even a couple of years ago, I'd have a 'routine' and if I didn't do that, I'd cry uncontrollably.

I sound like a mad woman. I don't know why I'm remembering all this now, but I am. I think my EFT is a little to blame for unearthing all these memories. I mean that in a good way.

I think in order to really be cured, I think I may have to discover what happened when I was a kid. I know it's one of two things, and neither of them are things that are good.

I think it's time I talked about them both, though, to my therapist. See if she can help me put it to bed once and for all.

So, where am I in life?.

Well, I am still living in the hostel. It's been a weird year, and I'd
be quite happy to never have a year like the last one ever again. My
housing is still quite depressing, so I will just glide over it and
move onto a happier subject.

I have done a lot of personal development courses this year. I'm onto
my 4th course this year. I'm learning to have a better life.

I'm also doing volunteer work in a community cafe, for a mental health
charity. It's something that I love doing, and It's brilliant. Really
the high point in my life.

And it was my birthday recently, and my brilliant boyfriend bought me
a beautiful necklace. A purple heart one. It's lovely.

There are a few positives in my life at the moment.

Time to re-start this blog again.

I've been absent from this blog for a long time. During the period of
my life that has, without a doubt, been the worst point of my life, I
didn't 'connect' with what I wrote on here.

I was reading back post's and it felt like someone else had posted
them. This was my feeling's and my life, and I felt like a stranger
had written them.

I did start another blog, mainly because I needed somewhere to put all
my feeling's and emotion's into.

Well, last night I decided to read back on my blog and it was happily
connecting to me. All of the crap I've gone through in the last year
has made me such a wiser, stronger person. I started this blog so I
could chart my progress into being someone who is making changes
towards a better life.

And my other blog didn't have stories and poem's on it, like this one does.

That blog wasn't personal. This one is.

Writing this post is like talking to an old friend. I have so much to
tell you, and so much to share.

It's a cliche but it's true. I had to take a step backwards in order
to re-discover who I was.

And I'm back. This is me. The crazy woman who talks Monkees and Person
of interest and shares random quotes.

And it's good to be back. I missed me. And this little blog is a part
of who I am.

What i've learned about myself.

Living at the hostel hasn't been all bad. Ok, about 98% bad, but i have learnt a few thing's about myself as i've lived there.
 
I am too trusting at times. That's something i have decided i need to work on.
 
I don't judge people easilly. If someone is willing to change their lives, then i think we should help and encourage, and not judge for their previous behaviour. There was a girl who was a recovering drug addict, and some people there gave her a hard time, and she was struggling at times, but she talked to people through the hard times, and she got her place in rehab (where she is now).
 
I do judge people if they're a thief, alcoholic, druggie or general low life. Like i said above, if you wanna change your life, offer support. If not, then that's there call. That's the type of people i judge. I can empathize with a few of them, but i don't know why you'd wanna waste your life getting drunk or high, or inflicting misery on others.
 
I can live without materialistic thing's. I don't have much money left over after i pay my rent, so i don't get the chance to buy much.
 
I can cook, and enjoy it.
 
I am responsable, and enjoy looking after myself, and other's.
 
That's what i learnt in the last few months.

Living here is destroying my faith in humanity.

I like to try to see the good in everyone. Niave, i know, but that's the way i am. If i can help someone, i will.

Living in this house, though, has got me doubting humanity, in general. Another 'nice' person has turned out to be a thief, and i'm wondering if there's anyone here who isn't a criminal, of some sort.

I know, hand on heart, there's about 5 people here i trust. My mum, the woman she goes to bingo with, the other woman my mum's age, who just moved in, The gay guy downstairs, the handyman and the couple upstairs.

They've all had stuff stolen, and they're the people i chat to, when i'm cooking in the kitchen. Everyone else, i don't have much to do with.

How can someone steal from someone else in the same situation as themselves?. I really don't understand the mentality of people, sometimes.

Christmas gift's.

I am lucky. I got some wonderful christmas gift's. I got jewellery and bath stuff and make up from my mum, and my boyfriend got me some Audrey Hepburn soap's, which i love, and sock's, which i need, and some make up and toiletries, which i also love.

There was a guy at my house, who i spent christmas day with, who received a packet of biscuit's from his dad. And, what was even funnier (not for the guy) was that he didn't even like the biscuits. They were coconut ring's, and he's allergic to coconut.

And my friend's boyfriend bought her a fluffy dice for her car. Which she hates. She think's anything like that is tacky, and that's her opinion, right or wrong.

Just wanted to say how lucky i am for receiving great gift's.

2014 is going to be a better year.

2014 can't be as bad as 2013 has proven to be. Being made homeless has, without a doubt, being the most traumatic thing that has happened to me.

And yet, i've survived and here to tell the tale.

I am determent 2014 is going to be a good year. I'm going to succeed and be happy. I am going to get the help i need to deal with the problem's in my life.

I am not going to be afraid anymore. I am going to take chances and i am going to follow my heart and i am going to be happy.