How to do 'The positive list'.

This is a bit of advice a friend gave me. It focuses on your good point's.

On a sheet of paper, write down everything you like about yourself. There should be at least ten thing's on your list.

Stick the list on your mirror (or bedroom door, or anywhere it can be seen by you) and anytime you feel down about yourself, you look at the list and realize how amazing a person you are.  

You HAVE TO love yourself.

I know that it sounds cheesy and corny, but it's true. You have to love yourself. If you don't then how is anyone else meant to?.

I know it's easier said than done, but ask yourself this "would you let someone say nasty things about your best friend?". Chances are you wouldn't, so why do you let you put yourself down?.

I am the queen of seeing all the bad things about myself. It all started in high school when my friends (then) boyfriend called me ugly. I still remember his exact words. They were arguing about where to go on a date, my friend asked me where i thought they should go and he said 'why are you asking her for?. She is so ugly, she will never even have a boyfriend,because she is so ugly'. He wasn't exactly in the Brad Pitt stakes himself, but at the time i had 'man issues' (all started with my father abandoning me), so i thought it was impossible for a man to ever love me.

For years, i believed that i was ugly, In fact, i thought i was repulsive. I wouldn't even look at myself in a mirror. I had confidence building classes and that helped. I then decided that it was time that i started to date. That was a mistake.

My first 'boyfriend' admitted that he didn't like me, and his mother made him go out with me (that is a great confidence boost). My first real boyfriend only went out with me for a bet (and also managed to cheat on me countless times, and we were only together a month). I kind dated someone else, but all he talked about was his ex girlfriend, and how he wanted to take things slow as he wasn't ready for anything serious (he did manage to get a girl i know pregnant, during this time he didn't want to be with anyone). And then there was the guy who kept asking me out and then when i said yes would ignore me for months on end.

All of this really dented my confidence. My self esteem got so bad i ended up not liking myself again. I got desperate for anyone to go out with me, i ended up with a total loser (who took me to a kids playground everytime we went out, and ended up being done for gbh on a 14 year old). I decided i needed time for me, and decided not to date.

I worked out the reason men were treating me like crap was because i let them. I decided i needed to learn to love myself before i even thought about dating.

Fast forward until now, and through lots of hard work (and therapy) i am happy with myself. I am not perfect, but nobody is. I love myself (i still have the odd body hang up, but who doesn't?. I also have an amazing boyfriend, who i love loads, and he loves me. He really does take care of me, and i never thought that i would ever feel loved like that.

This has been hard to write, but it's worth it. I know i have acheived a lot, and i won't ever let myself be my own worst enemy ever again.

I want to buy an evening dress.

I have no need for an evening dress. I don't have the kind of lifestyle that requires an evening dress. But i want one.

I was looking at some earlier and i would love to wear a really pretty dress. I would love to have one in my wardrobe, and if ever the day came when i needed a ballgown, it would be there. In my wardrobe.

Or maybe i could start a new fashion trend. Shopping in ballgown's. No, i don't think it will catch on either.

Never mind. A girl can dream about owning a nice evening dress.

CSI:NY Mac and Stella.

I wonder why the writers never got Mac and Stella together. They had such a great bond, and just 'got' each other so much. I think they would have been a great couple.

They got Danny and Lyndsey together, and i know that wasn't a popular move, but i think Mac and Stella could have been more popular.

Sadly, Stella is no longer in the show anymore, and they have paired Mac up with some woman he knew before he met Claire, so it probably will never happen now.

Facebook or Twitter?.

I used to be a bit of a Facebook addict, but i have to admit, i'm not really on it anymore. Just to check message's and status updates, but i rarely post.

Twitter, on the other hand, i am addicted to. I update several times a day. I think Twitter is good for reflecting and when you just need to vent. Facebook is a bit too interactive sometimes.

I am gonna make more of an effort to update facebook. But probably won't use it as much as i use twitter.

My body insecurity.

I am very self concious about my body. Well, one part of my body, especially.
 
I am not stick thin. I never have been, and i never will be. It's just genetic's in my family. No woman in my family has ever been stick thin, so there is no possibility that i am gonna be a size zero. And i am good with that. I quite like having curves, and i have learnt to embrace my body.
 
I am quite insecure about my breasts, though. I never feel that they are large enough. I worry that they are shrinking (they are not, i was just having a paranoid moment when i tried a bra on and realized that the cup was too big. It was later discovered that the reason the bra was in the drawer, unwrapped, was because it was a cup size too big. I did worry at the time that they were dissapearing). I wanna tone up a little bit (not lose weight, just make myself a little bit more toned) and i worry that i am gonna lose my breasts when i do that.
 
I think about having implant's, but the thought of surgery scares me, and i don't really wanna have anything in my body that shouldn't be there (does that make sense?). I think it's good to have implant's if they will make you feel more confident and happier, but i am a person who spent most of my life being paranoid about the way i look, so if i did get implants, then i would just grow paranoid about something else. It's the way that i am programmed.
 
I just am gonna learn to embrace my breasts the size they are, and if they do shrink when i tone up, well, i like push up bra's, i wear them now (i like the shape they give under vest tops, which i wear a lot of) and i will just have to find some way to cope. And find some way to accept them, and love the shape (and size) i am.

Build a bear workshop.

Yes, i am in my 30's and i admit it. I have been to Build a bear workshop a couple of times. And i actually (shock horror!) like it.

I love bears and soft toys. It all started when i was a baby, and my grandma stood in the long queue in Fenwick to get me a little baby elephant (called Nellie, which i still have today) and then, during the years, i got  more soft toys, and a collection grew. Also, my mum still has her bear's from when she was a child (getting old, but still very much loved), so i guess i just learnt that in my family, bears and soft toys aren't just toys, but something that can be loved your entire life.

Anyway, back to Build a bear, my mum always stopped to look at the cheerful monkey toy everytime she passed the shop. She then decided she was going to buy it, but sent me to get it. When i was in getting her the monkey (now called Bossy, after the dog in 'Neighbours'-don't ask why she did that) i decided i wanted the Bearemy bear, so i got him a week later. Bearemy is now a little girl bear called Toffee.

And yesterday, i got the sweet velvet bear. Her name is still Velvet, but i haven't decided if i am keeping her name (even though i got her a birth certificate with Velvet printed on) and i got her a pair of purple butterfly pj's as well.

That's another thing i like about the Build a bear workshop. Dressing up the bears. I don't have pets, or children, so my bears and animals are my 'babies' and it add's to the fun to buy little clothes for them, and to give them personality and make them truly original.